fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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