Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
