Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
