awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
