worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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