I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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