Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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