new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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