Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
