I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
