Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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