it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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