i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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