ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
