i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
