did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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