so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
