at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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