More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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