I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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