Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
