please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
