a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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