I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
