I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
