No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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