Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
