How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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