I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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