At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
