So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
