fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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