my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
