My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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