i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
