Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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