My hand turned me down
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Bring me that man meat
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
