I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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