drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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