Someone shit on the floor
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
