I'll bet she douches with gravy.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
