Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
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Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
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