apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
