Who wears a wallet chain?!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
