im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
