that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i need an iv and a liver transplant
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize