i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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