I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
