i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
