went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
