Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
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Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
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No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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