i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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