yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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