I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Someone shattered a urinal.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
