A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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