Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
