Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
