She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
