The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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