So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
