let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
