I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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